“I don’t write romances.”

April 27, 2008 at 3:53 pm (Random Writing)

Random writing that started over Christmas break. I’d love to know what you think. He’s a fairly unfriendly person, but oh well.

The blonde settled into the seat across from him, almost as if he had been saving it for her. He hadn’t been. In fact, company was perhaps the last thing he wanted right then. And while he didn’t advertise that fact, he had assumed it would be fairly obvious to anyone who really cared. There had been plenty of open seats, even at the plush couches that were a haven for those looking for another to hear whatever inflated opinions they had, but he had opted for the lonely corner table. Not to mention, he had been typing a way at his keyboard with quite a bit of zeal, even ignoring his own coffee. Yes, despite the cliché, he was writing in a chic little coffee shop nestled on a corner with soft jazz playing over the muted hum of conversation.
“You’re that writer, aren’t you?” twittered the woman. She was smiling far too widely. Had he been the type to feel any concern for others, he would have worried that she was about to pull something. Fortunately, he didn’t even pause to waste the brain cells to consider it.
“Yes. Jonathan Crown.”
“I’m Marguerite, and I love your books. I mean, they’re so…existential and full of…stuff. You know?” Her hand had been extended for the duration of the meeting, but he didn’t even look at it or her. Instead, his eyes trailed wearily over his screen. And, while he was pleased that his works were full of “stuff,” he really couldn’t find much of a reason to pay attention. She was gorgeous, he mentally conceded. And she apparently kept up with the world well enough to know that he was one of the more famous scribblers of the day, but there didn’t seem to be much ticking away behind those dimly gazing blue eyes. Had he needed someone to screw around with, and of course he meant that literally, the idea would not have been unpleasant. But, he had given up on such things.
“That’s nice to hear.”
“Are you working on something now?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think I could read it?” She tilted her head to the side a little, twirling a strand of hair slowly between her fingers. Her eyes tried to spark coquettishly, but the lack of attention was finally beginning to register.
“No.” He paused in his perusal of the few lines he had typed, staring her straight in the eyes. Her smile flared back to life and he mentally scolded himself for encouraging her. “Can I do anything else for you Maggie?”
“It’s Marguerite. But, that doesn’t really matter. It’s a hard name to remember.” He didn’t need much imagination to see her having fits with it herself. “I just wondered if you might want to grab some coffee. You know, get to know each other. I’m new in town.” So were half the other people wandering the streets. He didn’t go out to coffee with them, though, did he?
He picked up the paper cup at his elbow, tipped it towards her, and then took a quick drink. Cold. No, lukewarm, which was decidedly worse. “Thanks Margie. It was lovely.”
She was laughing, he was back to reading. That sound was obnoxious. It was like someone was throwing paper airplanes into his eyes, halting any attempt at concentration. “You are so funny!” She reached over and laid a hand on his arm, bringing her inches closer to him. He glanced at the manicured hand lying there, then back to the screen. She would move. “What about drinks?”
How had he forgotten? Of course coffee wasn’t a drink! Oh, modern language and it’s terrible ambiguities. “Listen, I’d love to. But I’m really afraid you’d get lost on the way there, and how could I live with myself then? So, for your own good, how about you go back to your friends and talk about how men are pigs and you just have to start working out because, dear God, you’ve put on a quarter of a pound, and you leave me to slave away and ponder what I let walk away.” Venom dripping, he let the conversation lie there and quake out its last throes of anguish. She got up after a second, the shock having sunk in, and huffed back over to her little clique. He didn’t look up, didn’t watch her walk away. He had work to do.
The hours slipped slowly away as the lines trailed farther and farther down the page. Still, it was slow going. Perhaps he could talk to the management about a change in music. Heaven only knew no one really liked the noise they played. But, the sun sank low on the horizon, disappeared, and night stole over the city with a deadly stealth. Judging by the obvious haste of those walking on the street, it must have turned terribly cold. Margie had gone long ago, her place filled by numerous other guests. He had to admit, none were quite as entertaining or temping. But, he was now the only person left in the shop. The table was littered by three empty cups and a scattering of change that glinted dully under the lights. But, it was closing time. Or so the annoyed employee seemed to imply as she glowered at him from behind the bar.

And that’s what I’ve got. Yes, his thing is that he doesn’t write romances (not even for you). It comes into play later. I’ve always wanted to try my hand at a little romantic drama-comedy. Oh, and I hate his name right now. It needs to be different, but I can’t decide what…

Love ya.

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Some Must Be Left Behind With Every Step We Take

April 22, 2008 at 7:21 pm (Real Life, Relationships)

I was looking around today on Facebook (yeah, I spend way too much time there, but what else is there to do in boring classes?) and I saw some people from my old high school. A lot of them went to the same university, still hang out together all the time, and pretty much stayed in the world they knew. I look around at my friends now and…well…only one of them is from back home. Of course I plan on seeing all the old gang again over the summer, but they aren’t the people I hang out with every day. When you’re scattered across the country, it’s hard to do that.

And it’s not because I don’t love my old friends more than imaginable, but I’m kinda glad I’m not like those others who still have the exact same people. I’ve gotten a chance to grow a lot, to figure out who exactly I am, and to explore new things. Of course, I don’t think any less of the Lipscomb/MTSU crowd, since they are growing up and moving on anyways, but I am definitely thankful for the new opportunities I have been lucky enough to experience.

I can’t imagine life without all the wonderful friends I have now. Kim, Kris, Ashely, Amanda, Logan, Brandtley, Laura, Will, Robert, Paul, Bekah, Nathaniel, Joseph, Kylie, Jonathan, Alicia, Sam. So many people. I’ve listed a lot, but I know I’ve forgotten even more. And I think I could keep naming them and people who have helped me and taught me for more hours than there are in a day…or even a lifetime.

Leaving everyone back home was hard. Leaving everyone who’s here now will be even harder. It’s not a day i can bear to count down to…

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Blessings

April 20, 2008 at 3:56 pm (Random Thoughts, Real Life, Relationships)

I have had a week so wonderful that I honestly can’t completely believe it. I mean, I have been so blessed and I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I mean, there was a point this semester where I was looking back at all the fun times of last semester and wondering if I would get a chance to make some again. And suddenly this week, it all came together. I got to hang out with friends and have more fun than is humanly possible.

Tuesday, as you might have gathered, was my one-month with Sam. I know, pretty serious… 😛 But, I had soccer until about 10:30, so I didn’t get to just spend the time with him. Which was a little disappointing…or so I originally thought. But, after the games, we made an emergency Walmart run to get coolant for Sammy’s car, then got some Frosty’s from Wendy’s and just spent the last remaining moments talking and hanging out. It was great. It was memorable.

Thursday was one of the most college experiences I have had. After walking to and from a game of Apples to Apples at Underground, a coffee shop in town, Sam and I went to watch a movie to wrap up the night. But they decided to close the building we were in. So, we decided to go and get triscuits. Why? I don’t know. We were hungry and it sounded like a wonderful idea. So, we made a trip to Walmart to buy a box of triscuits and two Vaults. I mean, how more random can you get. We were hyper, acting like fools, and loving every minute of it. Just not caring what the other person was going to think if you did whatever you wanted, but being who you were. I felt more alive than I have in a while.

Friday was my club’s formal. It was beautiful. They had it in a refurbished rail station in Little Rock, and the food was delicious. As it should be at all formals. Sam looked so handsome. He was wonderful, and it was all fun. I got to hang out with my club sisters and spend an evening pretending that we weren’t all broke college students. And everyone needs that willing suspension of disbelief sometimes. I think that’s why we have fancy dress occasions.

And yesterday was idyllic. Sam and I met to study on the Front Lawn at two. But neither of us had that much homework, so I ended up falling asleep in the absolutely lovely weather. It was nice to spend some time together without homework hanging over our heads, but to just relax and enjoy the other’s company on one of the most beautiful days we have had in a while. Then, our whole group decided to go to the park. It was crazy. Wild. I don’t know what got into all of us (it was a full moon), but it was laughter and friendship. Good times, the times you’ll never forget. And then we all went to get five-dollar pizzas. Everyone else dispersed to their dorms, but Sam and I went to watch the most recent Office episode. And eat a large pizza. It was fun and relaxing and stressless and there aren’t enough words to explain it. You won’t understand unless you’ve had an evening like it.

And so, for some reason, I’ve been blessed. And I’m so thankful that I can have such friends and such a boyfriend. I know it’s about to get busy, hat with finals looming. But, at least this week, nothing else mattered. And I thank God for a calm before the storm.

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If You Haven’t Heard, You Haven’t Been Paying Attention…

April 15, 2008 at 11:42 am (Relationships)

So, you see, there’s this boy…and he’s pretty much the greatest thing ever.

Sure, he’d probably deny it (it’s what he does) but that’s only because he can’t see what I see. I see a wonderfully flawed individual who isn’t satisfied with where he is. He’s always moving forward, which inspires me to not become complacent. Because if I compare my life to his, I have forever to go. And he’s still not happy. I have to work. I see this incredibly handsome young man who is completely overshadowed by a huge and wonderful personality. I see someone smart, funny, considerate, and kind. I see someone who just makes me smile when he walks into a room

And there’s something in the way he looks at me that makes time stop and the world move on without us. His eyes are warm and safe, the perfect place to lose yourself. I know it’s cliched, but I do feel safe with him. I do trust him, which is not something I say lightly. It takes a lot to trust someone, but I’m going to take a risk. Because nothing in this world is worth it if you won’t risk something.

I look at him and see someone that accepts me as I am and forgives me when I need it (a lot, if I’m to be honest.) Someone who doesn’t make me self-conscious or nervous. He’s a friend, more than anything, and then something more. He’s a blessing that I don’t know how I got lucky enough to be given. It baffles me, that’s for sure. He’s so wonderful.

And he always makes me smile, makes my day brighter just by being there. He’s so concerned and caring. And when he calls me his girl, it just seems right. I know there are people who would whine and complain over something like that (rabid feminists, mainly), but it’s great to me. And he lets me call him my boy. I don’t know where this will go or for how long. I can’t see where we’ll end up anymore than anyone else can. But I know (or hope, at least, which is all you can do) that I have a lifelong true friend, if nothing else. And I know that everyday I get to spend with him will be a blessing, chance to grow, and an adventure. And I can’t wait to see the path life will lead us on.

Thanks, Sam, for letting me spend a month with you. It’s been more wonderful than I have words for. 🙂

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Writing…a Short Writing……..

April 13, 2008 at 10:13 pm (Random Thoughts, Random Writing, Real Life)

Written, irnoically enough, while supposedly studying in the library. I was taking a break…of course…

Writing can’t be forced. No amount of sitting before a blank page or blinking cursor will make the words come in the order of intent. Even if you have ten thousand images screaming for release, no man or woman can push them onto the page before they are ready. And that is the annoying, terrible, cruel thing of writing. Sometimes the best ideas must simply sit and ripen; all the while the writer’s fingers are itching to write something, ANYTHING of value.
Writing is a terrible and fickle master, as anyone can tell you. The days when life is crowding too full and you wonder if you even have room left to breath, those are the days when the call reaches its crescendo, demanding your immediate attention. Or on those nights when you have just neared sleep after a far too taxing day, like a clanging symbol writing roars and chases sleep away. Of course, when the hours are just ticking slowly past, dragging a long line of wasted moments in the sand of time, fingers can pause for hours over the keys, waiting. There is inspiration in the world, but nothing that will coalesce into something worthwhile. You can write, of course. Anyone can put words to paper. But, in the end, it won’t speak to you the way it should. It won’t remember you who formed it or speak to others concerning your hopes, dreams, goals. It will be one more piece of nothing.

Critique appreciated. As always.

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Grr…

April 10, 2008 at 7:11 pm (Random Thoughts, Real Life)

I have three tests tomorrow. And I would much rather not be in my room, staring at boring biology charts and counting the cinder blocks in the wall. This semester is flying by faster than I can imagine, and I hate to see opportunity leaving with it. I want the memories I feel like I am missing. But, I guess that’s college.

So, I’ll study. And, maybe then, schedules will work out and I can actually spend some time with my boyfriend again. Especially since we’ll be a few hundred miles away after another month. I guess that’s what it comes down to. Not just him, but everyone. In a few weeks, they’re gone for the summer. And i really don’t know how exactly to reintegrate into an old social world.

Maybe I should just crawl under my covers and sleep until…tomorrow night. Then again, I guess that doesn’t solve anything. It’s growing up. One steady trudge from due date to due date. I’m just afraid that…if I start now putting off living until I accomplish one more task, that’s all my life will be. I’ll go out and do once I get this paper done. After I take that test. After I read that article. After I research that. After after after. When do I get to start enjoying the now? I don’t want that to be me. But, I’ve got college. Grad school. Career. Retirement. Death. So, fifty-odd years and I can enjoy my life, eh?

And it wouldn’t be so bad, but Biology is one of the biggest wastes of time. You don’t learn anything, the class is excruciatingly boring, and even if you study, they won’t ask what you studied. So. It makes life seem bleak and drear.

But, I know it isn’t. I have the best boyfriend in the world who takes care of me, reminds me that I can do it, and won’t let me run away from reality, even if it seems easier. So, it’s time to get to it. And tomorrow, maybe I can even sit down and talk to him for real this week. Not asking too much, right?

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An Assortment of Things that Do Not Belong Together

April 8, 2008 at 2:49 pm (Random Thoughts, Real Life, Spiritual)

Okay. I’ve had a lot of random ideas running around my head. They’ve been jumping around and causing havoc, so I’m going to throw a few out there and see where they lead. There will be a lot of stream of consciousness topic switching, but I’ll try to remain clear. Try. 

I recently finished Desperation by Stephen King. Now, King may not be a theological author, but I thought there were some very interesting ideas presented in this book. It actually came down to a lot of theology, in the end. Which was a bigger twist than anything else. You see, there was a constant refrain that “God is cruel.” Initially, I wanted to simply throw this aside as the agnostics uninformed view of a wonderful God. But it isn’t. God is cruel. Yet he isn’t this way because he wants to, but because it’s what we need. God is a refiner’s fire, burning away the things that do not belong. That got me thinking. Then, in Bible class, I learned that God used the death of Ezekiel’s wife to illustrate Judah’s fate. That was tough. I can’t imagine being Ezekiel and realizing God was taking away the person you loved to prove a point. To know that, once you left for work in the morning, you would never see her alive again. That is cruel. But necessary. And there was good that could work within the circumstances. Harsh, but true. And, I’m beginning to think I see the main problem with our outcries against suffering. We expect the world to be fair. In the perfect world, it would have been. But we live in a fallen world. It can’t be fair. Have I figured it all out yet? Not by far. Is God cruel? I don’t know if that’s the word I want. God is love, but even love hurts sometimes.

Switching to something a little lighter. How annoying would it be if gravity wasn’t constant? I mean, seriosusly, think about it. All the little science classes climbing the stairs of stadiums to drop bowling balls off the top step. First, it would look normal, but then it would all just float slowly to the ground. The next time, it would plummet so fast your eyes couldn’t follow. On the fourth attempt, it would float up, up, and away into the clouds. Eventually, everyone would just leave without any idea of when or where it would come down. Or if they ever really existed to catch it in the first place. It’d make things difficult…but os so much more interesting…

I realized today that I am absolutely content. Which is nice, for a change. I wasn’t really discontent before, but i was striving for some things. Now, classes are going good even if they are winding down. The weather is finally (somewhat) nice. If a bit fickle. I’m happy with friends, family, boyfriend. I feel more on the right track spiritually than I have been in quite a while. I even feel as if I can make a shadow of a difference with the work I’m doing in Fair Trade. It’s great. Life’s good, and i hope to hold onto this peace even when it isn’t.

Last random topic. Friends. It’s so strange, but I was sitting in the Student Center with Paul, Jon, and Calea one night this week, playing cards. Now, that was pretty typical, but I was struck by a very surreal feeling. Why was I there with those people? We were just hanging out, wasting time, but why? Why them? Why there? How did I know them? It all rushed in at once, and I was a little taken aback. Months ago, I didn’t know them (Calea excluded.) Then there was the period where I spent every free moment I could with one of them. And then that didn’t work out (I’m not being mean in any way, but thank God that He had a better plan for me. It didn’t work, and now I’ve found something that feels a lot more peaceful and right. God is good.) Now, we were all fine. Everything was floating along as we sat and played cards. And I realized that these people were friends. Which probably doesn’t entirely make sense. I can’t explain it. Maybe it was the sense of belonging, of reality. Yes. College, for one single instant, was real. It was real life on a real timeline of existence. It was one of those moments where you can see all the pieces fitting together. But, as always, it drifts back away. And I don’t know how I got there or where I’m going, but I’ve seen that there are thousands of pieces fitting together all exactly right. No matter what, I know I saw it once, hiding behind the fabric of reality. Even chaos has its purpose. 

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Looking Ahead Without Looking Back

April 4, 2008 at 9:47 am (Random Thoughts, Real Life, Spiritual)

Well, it seems like the future has decided to forcibly impose itself upon my present. I am, understandably, a bit miffed that it won’t listen to my arguments, but I suppose I’ve run out of options now that I’m out of liberal arts required courses.

You see, I now have to decide what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. It’s terrifying. I have no idea what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, or where I’m headed. I know that I’m heading somewhere, but everything is too dark to see right now. I hope that it’s God’s lead I’m following, but I can’t even be sure of that.  I’m following something, but what?

Psychology is what I love. I find myself absorbed by the way humans think and act, why we do what we do or feel what we feel. It’s like the whole human mind is a puzzle that I can never hope to complete, but I’m still trying to put together as many pieces as possible. I feel passion, which is something I fear my life lacks at times. I feel as if I often run through life, never investing myself in anything, but just doing what needed to be done before moving on. But I enjoy this, enjoy letting parts of me slip away and latch onto the principles and ideas. Learning about it is thrilling.

But how can I do God’s will with this? I know he can use me no matter where I am, but is this the best place? I don’t know, I don’t know how to find out, and I don’t know if I’ll ever know. There is a lot of work that I’m going to have to put into this. With God, I can do it. And I will find a way to help others. But…am I chasing what I want and ignoring God’s call? I can’t hear anything else right now, but is that only because I’m not listening?

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