Where From Here?

May 28, 2008 at 2:13 pm (Uncategorized)

“I was thinking, over thinking
‘cause there’s just too many scenarios
To analyze,
Look in my eyes
‘cause you’re my dream please come true.”

Well, I just got back from one of the best weekends ever. Spent it all with Sammy. The only bad thing is that I now miss him more than ever. It’s going to be an eternally long summer, then a short fall, and then…Florence? I’m having doubts about that trip. We’ll see what the next few months do to my thoughts. Perhaps I’ll end up somewhere completely different, some time I didn’t imagine. Who knows.
I really haven’t felt as unsure of anything since, well, since I left for Harding last August. I guess that ended up pretty perfectly, though. Only now…
I was driving to Wal-Mart today, listening to my radio. A song came on that I like enough to turn it up and sing along. As I did, I realized something sounded wrong. My voice sounded so weak and tiny, so alone. Then it hit me that it had been ranked on the DC top 500 rock songs of all time. And I had sung it only days before, but with Sam. And so I just turned it up and tried to drown out thoughts of hundreds of miles and thousands of days. I know it will get easier. It always does. I fall into a pattern where I talk to him whenever I can, and hold onto those conversations to get me through the rough times. It will come. Only right now….it’s hard. I can’t wait to start working. It’ll be something I can bury myself in, live mechanically so that day falls after day and August is here. I know I can survive if I can make it to El Salvador. I know I will survive; there is no alternative. I am strong enough for this. I am strong enough to overcome distance and separation. He means too much to let some technicality come between us, at least in my book. What I really need right now is my wonderfully blunt Benjamin to look at me, tell me to stop dwelling, and push me of the couch so he can take a nap. It’s worked when I freaked out in the past.
I know, strange post from me. Oh well. I’m going to post another college lesson either tomorrow or Friday. Maybe Saturday if I get swamped baking for the wedding shower. It’ll either be on Faith or Love. Perhaps I should see if I could manage a Hope entry too, just to keep things interesting. 😛
By the way, Kiss the Girl from the Little Mermaid is an awesome song. I mean, come on, it’s got a talking crab and instruments made from animals. How much better does it get? I was listening to my Disney Princess CD during commercial breaks and I may just have to watch the Little Mermaid again.

Gotta love Disney. Never gets old.

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Things I Learned from College: Throwing Away

May 15, 2008 at 5:57 pm (Real Life)

Okay, so I’m bored. I have lots of free time, and blogging tends to eat it up. Besides, this is something I actually wanted to write. I don’t know how many College Lessons I’ll have, but at least two or three. Here’s number one.

The Art of Throwing Away

The title reminds me of a poem from senior year. One Art, by Elizabeth Bishop. I’d suggest you read it if you haven’t. Really a favorite of mine, and something a lot more true than I though. Strangely, I started at one end and worked my way to the beginning. You see, I’ve always been a pack rat. I’ll keep anything, hold onto something forever. Because, who knew when you’d need something that you had just thrown out. How sad would that be?

But college worked on that in so many ways. I can’t tell you how many things I threw out when I was packing everything up. Anything that wasn’t necessary or definitively helpful went into the trash. If I wouldn’t need it next semester or over the summer (or it had significant sentimental value) , I tossed it. It was kinda refreshing in a way.

But my art of throwing away was more than just physical. I learned to throw away relationships, too. At first, that would probably sound terrible. But, you see, I have friendships that I’ve carried for fifteen years or more, despite the fact that these people haven’t been friends for fourteen of those. And, when I got to college, I realized I couldn’t keep carrying them around anymore. Just like everything wouldn’t have fit in my car had I kept it all, all those relationships were going to stall me from ever moving forward. So, I decided that they weren’t adding anything, they weren’t helping me grow, and they weren’t necessary anymore.

Beyond that, I learned that part of life means throwing away opportunity. Because there are thousands of opportunities, and you can never hope to try them all. Life is deciding which ones to take and which ones to throw away. I mean, I came to HU alone, confused, and completely oblivious to everything. I met hundreds of people, saw so many things I could do, but I had to decide. Who was I going to spend time with? What was I going to devote myself to? I think I made a good choice. I have great friends there. I have lots of fun. And I manage to fit in a little studying.

So, life is about, periodically, cleaning out. Throwing away the things that don’t help you to grow, giving up on things you don’t have time for, and living life with a few more openings to fill with God only knows what kinda of blessings. Throwing away. Huh. Who knew it was such an important lesson

__________

By the way, tacked on the end here, I’d love your prayers right now for Lucas. he’s a six-year-old little boy that I babysit. One of the most adorable kids I’ve ever met. He’s very smart (reads chapter books on his own. He reads you a bedtime story.), very sweet, but very sick. He has leukemia and had to have a blood transfusion today because his counts are so low. While recovery rate is pretty good for his condition, it’s going to be very difficult. And transfusions are terribly straining on the body; they’re dangerous for healthy adults. So, if you’d just remember him, it’d mean a lot. Love you guys!

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Missing the Life I Love

May 13, 2008 at 9:59 pm (Real Life)

I miss college. Really really miss it. I think it’s because, for a couple weeks at least, I have absolutely nothing to take my mind off of everything. All I can do is live in my head and remember what isn’t here anymore. Or think about how long it will be until I get to see everyone again. I miss the stupid things even. I miss Walmart trips and walking across campus. I miss chapel and even the Caf. Okay, I miss dinner with everyone in the Caf, let’s not get carried away. I miss the people I don’t really like and those who spent most of the semester treating me less than I deserved. And I can barely stand the thought of not seeing the ones I really care about.
But, I guess this is what everyone goes through, I’m so glad I’ll have a job starting here soon to keep me from dwelling. Because three months would become eternity. I was thinking last night that this must be a nightmare. Surely, I would wake up and open my eyes back in my dorm. There’s no way both of these realities can exist. Yet somehow it’s true, and I’ve just got to move on. I’ve got to live life on my own, and then I can come back to everyone I love.
I’ve learned a lot, and I guess this is just one more lesson. I just hope this is a test I can pass.

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